To the 141st character…and beyond!
Man, that Twitter sure sucks the life out of blogging, doesn’t it? We definitely loves us some right now do we not? Why spend the time to sit down and craft some cogent thoughts and phrases when we can just cut it down to 3:05, as a wise man once said? Oh, well. Such is life in 2010, I guess…whatcha gonna do (brother) about it?
Does that mean?
Yes. It does.
Well…crap. I guess that means I owe you some year end awards, doesn’t it? Ok. But only because you asked so nicely.
So let’s go, shall we? Allow me to present to you the 3rd (maybe, I’m too lazy to go check) Most Asbestos Of The Year Awards.
In case you’re new here, instead of giving out hackneyed “Game Of The Year” awards, I give some type of award to every game I’ve played in the past year, so this doesn’t necessarily mean that everything on this list came out in 2009, only that I played it in 2009, capeesh? And, we’re off…
Halo 3: ODST:
The Well, The Mini Firefly Reunion Was Nice…But The Game Left Me Cold Award.
The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion:
The I’ll Be On This List Every Year Because You’ll Just Keep Trying To Get Into It And Fail Award.
Monkey Island Special Edition:
The It’s A Great Game, But You’ve Bought It About 67 Times Now, Moron Award.
Sam & Max Save The World:
The I Really Wanted To Love It, But Something Was Missing Award
The Best DLC Even Though It Totally Re-Wrote The Ending And I Hate Retro-Continuity Award. (Side note: I finally read Spider Man: Brand New Day this year. Wow. Just…wow. Incredibly, incredibly stupid. The only Spider Man story I can imagine that would be worse would be if they made the Vulture have a daughter and they called her the Vultress. But nobody would be dumb enough to do that, so I guess we’re fine, right?)
The Not Funny Enough To Be A Movie, Not Fun Enough To Be A Game Award. (Shame, really. I wanted to like this one)
The I Got Zero Achievement Points, So Clearly I Knew This Wasn’t For Me In The 1st Five Minutes Award.
Banjo Kazooie – Nuts & Bolts:
The I Know Game Reviewers Retroactively Decided To Like This Game, But I Think They Were Right The First Time Award.
The See Eternal Sonata Award.
The Last Remnant:
The I Really Should Give Up On Japanese RPG’s Since They Obviously Don’t Want Me Playing Them Any Longer Award. (Special Achievement for biggest loser of a main character of the year. Either save the world or don’t, but stop fucking whining about it)
The Seriously, Dude…Stop Re-Buying This Game Award. (I do still dig Arkanoid, though.)
The Gabba Gabba, We Accept You, One Of Us Award. (The hours I’ve wasted on this game. Goddamned Peggle. Grumble, grumble)
Resident Evil 5:
The Hmmm….That Really Came Out This Year, Huh? Wow. You’d Think I’d Remember It More Considering It Was The Sequel To One Of My Favorite Games Of All Time Award.
Dash Of Destruction:
The Best Free 180 Achievement Points In A Game Based On Doritos Award.
The I Know I’m Ridiculously Late To The Party, But The Sequel Looked Really Good Award.
Assassin’s Creed 2:
The I’m Glad I Plowed Through The First Game, Because This One Is SOOOO Much Better Award.
Also, the Calzone! Panna Cotta! Spaghetti! Award for ridiculous Italian accents from most of the characters. (Loved this game, by the way. More, please)
The My Favorite Little Game Featuring God-Awful Techno Music Award. (Go play it, it’s really cool. But bring your own tunes, unless um-chucka um-chucka is your sort of thing)
The I’m Pretty Sure I’ll Like This If I Play It For More Than 5 Minutes Award.
The BioWare Still Gots It, Even If “It” Is Really Brown & A Little Rough Around The Edges Award. (I probably spent more hours on this game than any other this year)
Ratchet & Clank – A Crack In Time:
The We Don’t Need A Silly Award, This Is Still My Favorite Series Of All Time And This Game Was No Exception Award.
Also, the Fuck You Jonathan Blow, THIS Is How You Do Time-Based Puzzles. Braid Is Still Pretentious Claptrap Award.
The Sigh Award. (I can’t talk about this game any more. Go listen to the latest Squadcast. I pretty much got it out of my system there)
The You Had Me Right Up Until The End There Award. (Seriously, who thought that the last hour of that game was a good idea? Anyone?)
The Whoa, Dude…You’re Like The Wind And Stuff Award. (I think I needed to start taking drugs to fully get this game)
Batman – Arkham Asylum:
The I Liked This Game WAY Better Than The Completely Overrated Graphic Novel Of The Same Name Award. (Who knew a Batman game could be really, really good?)
MLB: 09 – The Show:
The I Liked This Game All The Way Up Until The Yankees Traded Me To Texas Award. (F you, Cashman. Prick.)
God Of War Collection:
The Oooh…Pretty Award. (This is how to do re-releases. Everyone pay attention, please)
Uncharted 2 – Among Thieves:
The Clowns Over My Death? Award for packing more fun into it than any other game I played this year.
I know I’m not giving a “Game Of The Year” Award, but if I were…let’s just say that a copy of Uncharted 2 needs to be in every developer’s office going forward. Really, if you’re going to rip anything off, start here.
That’s pretty much it. If I’ve left anything out, it’s because I either forgot or it just didn’t make my radar. Also, I left out portable games because I never seem to finish any of them. I did, however, finally finish Chrono Trigger on the DS this year so I’ve got that going for me…which is nice.
I’m stumped for how to wrap this up, so I’ll just remind you to listen to the Squadron Of Shame Squadcast, follow me on Twitter, and for God’s sake, put on some pants.